I am afraid that I am losing my mind. That is a disingenuous way to phrase it, I am not actually afraid at all, mildly excited actually, but it is a colloquial saying and, I think, not a terrible way to start any recollection of a less than usual day. I tried getting this down a few days ago, but I was at home with my parents and siblings, and the combined noise of questions, answers, and Madagascar 2 made it impossible to concentrate, even with earplugs in. Wearing earplugs in the living room was strange, but I had started off the day, the day I feel like recalling, strangely and saw no reason to alter my course. Perhaps stranger still is that not one of the eight others in the room said anything about them. Right now a French movie is playing, but I am too far away to read the screen. The sound is soothing enough, distraction is nearly impossible, so it seems the perfect opportunity has presented itself.
Anyway, I have been reading a lot of JD Salinger lately, actually all of his works that have been collected in books, in under a week and a half, and it has most probably contributed to my strange frame of mind. I've certainly taken a similar meandering tone, at least to some of his works, but I am not certain I wasn't a word-waster before. Salinger is a deeply religious man. Every story is, at heart, a religious story, or, more precisely, quest, and I am of the mind that every religious quest is something very like a matter of life and death--certainly both are impacted, at the very least. I like Salinger. We share a desire for a higher level of consciousness and a love for the far east, at least an idealized, philosophical far east. If you haven't done so already, this is probably where you want to stop reading.
Being at home with my family this summer has definitely been a blessing. I love my brother, my sisters, my mom and dad, but I am starting to feel slightly contained, like everything I do has to take place within definite parameters. But that's not entirely true. I really don't mind staying at home or just sitting around, but when I start trying to think of things to do just to pass the time, I suddenly have trouble justifying normal things that I would usually enjoy doing on a daily basis. I'd rather kill myself than watch television for hours just because I have nothing else to do. I'm trying to decide if that is why I was feeling so strange the other day. I'm not sure it is. I couldn't find my glasses or contacts. That always makes me feel sort of crazy. I didn't even do anything that crazy or out of the ordinary. I just left the house. I drove around for a little while, and ended up at Kmart, of all places, really.
I hadn't been to Kmart in three or four years. I think the last time I went there was to see if they had any Nintendo Wiis. It was my junior year in high school. Timo was still here on exchange. So it's been a while. Once I got there, I didn't really know what to do. The only section I remembered was the toy section. They didn't have any decent water guns, so I didn't spend much time there. Mostly, I just wandered around the store. I walked past each section at least three times. I didn't really have any money I could afford to spend, still don't really, and there wasn't anything I actually needed, but, for some reason, I really didn't feel like leaving at all, like there was something in that store that I absolutely needed, that would snap me out of my seeming stupor and bring me back to normal, or something like that, anyway. I spent over an hour in there, searching for nothing in particular. I think what I really wanted was to find a Japanese futon there, so I could throw away all of my furniture and spend the rest of my life sitting and sleeping on the floor. For some reason, Kmart did not have any, not that I could afford it anyway.
There are a lot of curious things at Kmart, more curious because I was one of probably ten customers at any given moment and empty aisles themselves look strange under flourescent lights. The first thing that really drew my attention was the 'God Bless America' section, Independence Day leftovers. Flags are expensive, and I am curious as to the intent of the phrase 'God Bless America'. Is it a request, or exultation, or maybe somewhere between hope an a promise? To me, it usually sounds like some kind of bragging, that America is 'God's country', but I can't really find that meaning in the phrase itself. Maybe the original meaning is lost to the sentiment of a time that can admit no mistakes. I'd like to maybe switch some words around, maybe add a word or two. I would definitely add punctuation, at least, just to clear things up.
I also spent some time at the Catholic candles. From what I saw, there are two competing brands, which I thought interesting. I somehow never realized that each candle actually represented a prayer, to some personality of Jesus or a saint or Mary, who seems to be somewhere in between. I don't know, never been much into icons. Aside from the borderline idle worship, I actually really love the idea of prayer candles, if that is actually how they are supposed to be used. They sell blank candles, and, although I am not sure they are meant to be used in this way, I decided to buy one, maybe make my own prayer candle. I left it in the car, accidentally. I hope it doesn't melt into the upolstery!
There is more, but I am sure it is all boring to anyone who reads it and I don't have the heart to add more. I think it is kind of funny to end on an exclamation point, anyway. I realized that there was someone that I knew working in Kmart and I had walked past them probably seven times without so much as acknowledging them, and left rather quickly. Not have contacts in shrinks my world to about nine square feet. I went home and put in earplugs, because I couldnt deal with so many sources of information.
I don't think I've really manage to capture exactly how strange I felt/still sort of feel, but at least I've managed to amuse myself while this terrible movie played. Never watch some stupid French show called Angel A. Seriously.
